Misix Library

Post-Summer Movies: America Settles

September 14, 2015




9/11/2015 - 9/13/2015

Movie TitleIndex Value
The Perfect Guy41.00
The Visit62.67
War Room42.33
A Walk in the Woods54.33
Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation81.33
Straight Outta Compton81.33
No Escape50.33
The Transporter Refueled32.00
90 Minutes in Heaven29.67
Un Gallo con Muchos Huevos61.33
Misix Movie Quality Index Value53.63


Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …

Huh? Wha? We need a movie post? Are there movies being released right now? We thought the whole industry shut down for a couple weeks toward the end of summer. No? Our mistake. Let’s see what we have here …

OK, a generic thriller and a horror movie/proof of life from M. Night Shyamalan.

(sound of head repeatedly slamming into keyboard)

Are there not enough good movies to last an entire calendar year? There are all these stories about scheduling conflicts and release dates getting adjusted. Can’t the studios just spread things out a little more? Then there are the plucky indie films that, because of financial constraints, opt for video on demand and skip theaters entirely. Aren’t there a couple good ones that can fill the gap? It seems like such an antiquated notion that audiences need some kind of breather built into the calendar every September and February. Last time we checked, cars and mass-transit systems still work during those months. We’re perfectly capable of getting to the theater if a worthwhile option presents itself. We’re adults, dammit, and we don’t need some fat guy chomping on a cigar telling us when we can and cannot see a decent movie. WHY DO THEY KEEP DOING THIS TO US?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

Look at Guardians of the Galaxy. Before that, August was a dumping ground for movie studios. It’s where the problem projects and bigger risks ended up, well after the “true” blockbuster season so that a disappointing performance wouldn’t be quite as noticeable. It was the home of shaky and/or outright disastrous ideas like We’re the Millers and The Bourne Legacy and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. It was the home of the surprise success and quiet(ish) failure. Just look at the month’s top movies before Guardians came along:


YearMovieDomestic Gross (millions)
2013We’re the Millers$150.4
2012The Bourne Legacy$113.2
2011Rise of the Planet of the Apes$176.8
2010The Other Guys$119.2
2009G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra$150.2
2008Tropic Thunder$110.5
2007The Bourne Ultimatum$227.5
2006Talladega Nights$148.2
2005The 40-Year-Old Virgin$109.4

That’s 10 years of movies in the $100-$175 million range, with the exception of The Bourne Ultimatum. Then Marvel, with the braggadocio that comes with owning just about every summer since 2008, has the temerity to drop Guardians of the Galaxy in the first weekend of August last year. That ended up being a $94.3 million weekend along the way to a $333.2 million domestic haul. The last August movie to even come close to that total was The Sixth Sense and its $293.5 million back in 1999, and only five selections released during the month have ever crossed the $200 million mark — the three already mentioned in this paragraph, plus Rush Hour 2 ($226.2 million) and Signs ($228.0 million).

Consider this our formal plea to the studio heads. Please, look into your coal-black hearts and take some pity on us. Throw us a decent movie during this dark, dark time, and we’ll keep providing peppy Twitter blurbs you can use in the commercials for your crappier films when critics dump all over them. Thanks.

The weekend ahead: JOHNNY DEPP!!! Cripes, when was the last time you were happy to see a Johnny Depp movie coming to theaters? Alice in Wonderland? It’s been more than five years since then, and here we have Black Mass — in all its reduced-hairline, spooky-eyed glory — to save us from our long national nightmare of four whole weeks without a decent new movie to watch. Early returns from Rotten Tomatoes (84%) and Metacritic (71) are promising, and it’s possible Depp’s five-year sojourn through a professional wasteland is about to end.

Welcome back, you delightful weirdo.


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